I was 5 weeks post-partum, and I was saying no when people offered me something to eat as a breastfeeding mother.
I am on a diet I said jokingly!
You’re on a diet? My friends asked.
Knowing that it seemed totally out of character for me to use that language, having most likely experienced me tell them they were too skinny and vain at some point in our friendship and that they were perfect whatever they looked like. Don’t get me wrong. I am an artist, and I appreciate fashion, expression, and the innate beauty of women. I know and recognize the joy and medicine that can happen when a beautiful woman walks in the room.
But beauty as most people can tell you is never skin deep, and when someone is beautiful, at least from the way I see it. It’s a matter of soul.
Funny how things can change. How when you are that beautiful woman who turns heads you can say these things, but when you gain 35 pounds and have just had a baby you suddenly don’t feel so hot.
I was mostly watching my eating as I had gained weight during my pregnancy and it being finally hot out in the cool climates of Canada I wanted to get into my summer wardrobe.
I was weighing myself obsessively too. The more I weighed myself, the more felt frustrated with how I was not losing weight and things were still tight on me.
Having gone through feeling similar feelings from when I was going through my adolescence….. I was slightly irritated at myself for feeling these things after my 2nd child.
I thought that I had healed this old wound, and yet it felt like it was searing open after I gave birth to my second son Kuray, which translates to Healer.
Here I was again healing what I began to remember was a HUGE collective wound for women.
Finally it dawned on me as I was driving with my partner. And as we sat at a red light, i began almost yelling.
“This is Crazy!”
“I cant believe how crazy this is, and that I got tricked into this insanity when I know better!”
I realized in that moment as though the divine force of the universe came down at that red light in china town and showed me how completely disconnected I was from my soul.
There was a time where all men and women worshipped the goddess.
There was a time, where every young girl and boy would learn this from the time they were toddlers until they were full adults in form that mothers birthed life and because of this beautiful sacrifice, life continues.
There is nothing more hot and sexy then a woman who has given birth to life. It is pure, raw life force. It is the arrival of a new universe on our planet. It is a miracle.
And here I am feeling frumpy. Here the culture perpetuates a real myth that this time that is difficult, full of sleep deprivation, frustration and getting through the long nights.
All that can be true. Believe me I know! But the whole energy around all of that would be very different if we did it with the deepest honour and respect understanding that our role in this moment was so Sacred and spiritual in its nature. Not just to our families, but to humanity.
If I was living in a time where the Goddess was honoured and worshipped. Where the cycle of birth and death were viewed as integral to our existence and treated as the most important Job on the planet. Where Doctors, Lawyers, and Business Executives were deemed just as Equal to the title of Mother.
I am not a woman whose full time occupation will be a mother and that be my full time job. I have dreams that go over the mountain, and I have my purpose on this planet that goes beyond just taking care of my children.
But even if I didn’t. Even if I just raised my children and not the hundred other things I do while raising them. If I gave birth, and raised the next generation to be conscious human beings filled with integrity and wisdom. Don’t you think this would be more than enough?
Because we live in a culture and world that suppresses the feminine spirit on such a subtle level. Where the standards of what it is to be a woman, a mother and all the other things we do, have become so high, that we cannot hear the whispers of our own heart and soul. The pressures of what we are supposed to look like, how we are supposed to be feeling and what we are supposed to be doing, are so ingrained into a false premises of what is actually real and life giving.
So this goes out to all the multitasking manifesting mothers out there.
Whatever your shape and size, whatever you weigh, whether you did your hair or nails or bothered to look in the mirror and take a shower today because you were up all night raising the next generation.
I honour you. I love you for all that you do. I see you and all your hidden sacrifices, May all your dreams come True, and may you know that you are enough. You are beautiful, and because of you, life continues……