One of my most favourite times in the day are when i put my children to sleep. I often make jokes with friends that i will never need to try heroine, because the rush and joy i feel when i put my kids to sleep are my fix.
I learnt with my first son the incredible nature of children, and how they are tuned in to everything. I would lay there breastfeeding him, thinking about all the things i was NOT getting done, and low and behold, he would NOT fall asleep for even longer! It was an extremely frustrating predicament. I would get so frustrated with him laying there looking at me when he was supposed to be sleeping, that i would sometimes just scream and run out of the room! I then began to incorporate my meditation practice into that time. It did not matter how long it took, but during that time, i would have the intention of being mindful. Letting it be a time full of prayer, of singing and blessing, and awareness. The dreaded bedtime became a time of devotion and love, to my children and to myself.
I just gave birth again to a little being of light again, and now here i am with 2 children demanding my attention, my focus, and my energy. I have another exuse to distract myself, to not do the things that are actually great for me or sink into old habits. Because there is even more to do, I realize in these moments that i am actually a master at distracting myself. Whether i am checking FB news feeds, cleaning my kitchen, or babbling on to my partner about my thoughts on the universe. (he is a very patient man)
But then something wonderful happens, i catch it. I catch my mind, like a child just about to run into the busy intersection. I catch my thought before it consumes me like a fire under the night sky. There is a part of us that worships our distraction, that is lazy, that is an exhausted old man climbing up the mountain with a heavy backpack with nothing to give. But there is also a part of me that wants to be whole. That wants to be healed. That knows there is much more to life than what is presented. and wants to come from a deep space of love and that this takes a different type of work altogether. Being a mother to two little children, i have realized how much i need to mother my own mind. That my mind needs its boundaries, its focus, and it needs to be watched so it does not go down into dark alleys. Parenting yourself includes caring for your body, your mind, your emotions and your spirit. If there was an authority on this, i am sure most of us would be charged with neglect.
But when it comes down to it, there are a million little choices. Your choices. My choices. There are the big choices. your Partner, your career, your Children, how you make money, your food, your whatever, fill in the blank.
But this is it. It comes down to little choices. Choices inside of your head. Choices that no one can see and say “wow that is so awesome that you just did that!” Or give you a high five and say “that was totally amazing! You chose to not worry right now! while you sit for lunch and eat a sandwich” Or when you spill dinner all over the floor, and take a deep breath and clean it up quietly or with a song. Or get into an argument with someone and have the humility to soften your heart even when its difficult.
Slowly, so slowly this is how it changes.
Slowly, Slowly, healing can happen. There are always cathartic moments Those moments where you face yourself. You see the divine and wake up for a little while and then maybe a long while. Where you realize something magnificent actually exists right before you and you are a part of everything. And You are a part of everything.
But trust me, that feeling will pass. The God highs pass. The Yoga highs pass, the ceremony highs pass. It all will pass, at least for a while, until you come back to it again. And all of it is so beautiful and incredible and food for our souls, but it will still come back to these million little choices in the mundane world. How we walk, how we speak, how we listen, How we think about people, how we think about ourselves.
Its late. The baby is due for a feeding in an hour, and i will be up through the night. Praying my heart out. Facing my shadows, and catching my brain as it moves from thought to thought like a child hopping stones in a riverbed. Remembering that the big moments, are often actually a million of the little ones.
Where heroes are hidden in the patient wrinkles of those who have walked many steps and chosen love a thousand times to one.